According to Glenn Reynolds: "Liberty Dog is a minarchist libertarian with Objectivist tendencies, but I can't even get my dog to crap outside."

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

Damn...Just, Damn

There are those among us who have innate abilities that far surpass those of the average man. These are the DaVincis, Mozarts and Eintsteins. My ability is a hyper-keen sense for always choosing the wrong checkout line at the grocery store. The masterpiece I wove today however, was as far as I can guess, my best work to date.

I needed a bag of ice. Normally, I would just go to the local 7-11 to get this. After all, this is precisely the type of item that convenience stores were created to sell. However, a 16lb bag of ice now costs $3.00+ at the local 7-11 and the grocery store is right next to it and they only charge $1.99 for the same size bag so I'll just zip in and out. Yeah, right.

It is a really nice day and church has recently let out so the place is pretty busy. Naturally, there are only 2 line open. Both are long and saturated with heavily loaded carts. A quick decision and I make a break for line 2 which seems to be moving, at least until I join the ranks.

Out of nowhere, my old checkout line nemesis throws her cloak off! She had stood quietly in line while the cashier rung up her 40 or more items. Now she springs the trap, "Excuse me, do you have pen?" Out of her overfilled purse she pulls out the dreaded check book. Why in the hell does she not have a pen? You NEED a pen to write a check. Surely she could have asked for the pen when the cashier first started ringing up her items. The check could have been fully written with the exception of the amount by the time the total was given. Has she never heard of a Check Card?

At this point I am getting fidgety. I glance over at the other line which is, of course, now moving briskly along. Dammit! By now, another old foe has made herself known. She is the inconsiderate shopper. Having glanced back at me several times, she is well aware that I hav nothing in my hands, no cart and no hand basket. Obviously, I must be just getting something from near the checkout counter. She has about 20 items and could politely ask if I wanted to skip ahead. This is what I always do when presented with the same situation. It's just common courtesy. She has no obligation to oblige me in this way, but we still live in a civil society and it never hurts to be kind to others.

As I peruse the gum selection, I happen to look at the previously unmanned station next to me. It is now manned and humming along. I turn around, but it is too late. I am now fully embedded between the two candy racks and the 4 people behind me. Dammit! By now, the cashier has completed ringing up woman's items when I hear more hated words, "I also need 2 packs of ......." Whatever the hell she smokes. The cashier now has to wait as the hapless bagboy jaunts over to customer service to get the cigs. He finally gets back and Wham!, out comes the Lone Star card.

If you are not familiar with Texas, the Lone Star card is what replaced the ol' food stamp booklet. It was supposedly implemented to make the system more efficient, but in reality was devised to make it less of an embarrassment for people to be on food stamps.

Finally, after 20 grueling minutes in line, it is my turn. "A large bag of ice, please," I say. "Oh, you should have gone ahead of me," chortles back the Lone Star user. "No shit!" I think back to myself as I pay for my ice.

I head back to my vehicle where my dog has been dutifully waiting on me. Just I a get backed halfway out of my spot. I see a government van heading towards me. He is coming down the wrong direction on the oneway aisle of the parking lot. Back in I go wait for this assclown to pass. Eventually, I make it out of the lot and I make it about halfway home when I look down at my seat. No ice. Dammit! In my hurry to escape the store and while I was busy cussing to myself, I had forgotten to stop at the ice cooler and grab my bag.

Thirty-five minutes after I left, I arrived back at my house. If only I had paid the extra dollar at the 7-11.

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Copyright © S Michael Moore 2005